It's all downhill from here ...

So now here we are, finished with classes as an undergraduate. Ready for the last flurry of rehearsals, recitals, and exams. I've finished 3/6 of my senior projects, two of those being biger than the rest of them put together.
I've carried off a 35 minute piano recital, and a 45 minute composition recital, things people told me I could never do. I thought I would feel accomplished when I finished, but all I really feel is drained.

What's next? I'm not really sure. I'm hoping to find a job (aren't we all?) and to do some great volunteer work, as well as train to run three 5K's before Christmas this year. I hope to be more involved with my church, spend quality time with my family, and to not lose contact with great friends.

This point of life sort of feels like a precipice, I'm standing on it, and graduation is the pushing off part.

Everyone's so ready to memorialize "my last day of classes", "my last rehearsal", "my last performance". I'm not so ready because as burned out as I feel, I'm not so ready to get rid of the last four years of memories.

Stay tuned, job hunt coming soon.

Why Pop Sociology/Feminism is wrong about Beauty and the Beast

I love to read Sociology and Feminist blogs. They challenge me to think in ways I haven't before, they make me quite thoughtful, and on some days, they help round out my liberal arts educated point of view on a subject. No, I don't always agree with what they have to say, but I do at least take the view into consideration.

I also love to read blogs about trying to take our younger girls' minds back from Disney. Stealing back the younger generation as it were. While Disney has fun songs, it can be a little obsessive, especially as the Disney corporation has chosen to market certain gender socializing toys, books, and games, that can socialize girls to be passive instead of active.

But... I have a problem. A serious problem for my little psyche. Most of these blogs villainize Beauty and the Beast, one of my two favorite movies, and my absolute favorite Broadway show ever. Most of these blogs have at least one post about how the only thing girls will ever garner from this show is that abusive spouses should be put up with and will change over time. Obviously, this is a dangerous idea, if this is indeed what girls could garner from Beauty and the Beast. But this idea has been turning in my mind and bothering me for some time now.

I've always seen Beauty and the Beast as a story of redemption. He has problems, she has problems, people are flawed in general, I've never met a Cinderella personally. Belle is so real, she loses her temper, she's feisty, she's in your face. I don't think I ever came away with the idea that I should stay with an abusive partner, but that I should challenge the status quo.

It's not like Belle loves him unconditionally or blames herself for the Beast's bad temper. Nope, she's happy to stick it to him, to fight with him, to get angry back, to fight back for herself. And yes, the Beast is redeemed through the course of the show, but from my Christian perspective, that's the changing power of love. He could have left Belle to the wolves, but instead rescued her. He was changing long before she decided to stay with him. Maybe it's the proof of that change that made her stay?

In the end, it's not HER love that changes him, it's the MUTUAL love that changes BOTH of them. Because we are all flawed, and we all need redemption. Those are the lessons I've always taken away from this show. I hope I challenged you to see this show in a different way. Because the ruminating has been good for me.

Berlin, bike rides, and crazy hostels

Looking at the TV tower, near my hostel

As my previous post stated, a visit to the concentration camp Sachsenhausen was what I chose to do with my first day in Berlin.

 I really only had two days anyway, so I chose to do something astounding that would enable me to see everything, or at least close to everything:

 I went on a bike tour.

I chose Fat Tire Bike Tours since my brother worked for the walking portion of that company in Paris. The tour didn't start until 10ish, and I really didn't want to hang around my hostel, as cool as it had been (it was hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy themed!) so I set out a little early and walked around East Berlin by myself for awhile.

\

The tour took us by all of the expected sites,

Especially moving for me was the Berlin wall. To think of an entire society that kept it's people locked up behind a large stone wall, merely because they were afraid of another society, is astounding, and I have trouble understanding why people doubt that sort of abuse of power today. Don't even get me started on people who don't believe the Holocaust happened. 

The bleakness of certain portions of the wall really got to me. But then it would be juxtaposed with something like this:

But then it would be followed by something like this. So it was a definite high highs, low lows tour.

I really enjoyed the tour. I wish I could tell you more about it, in detail, and be witty, but I really can't. Oh well.

 Very Soviet apparently. No clue what that really means.

 The scaffolding sort of ruins it, doesn't it?

PS - isn't this a cool photo? 

Just a little city I love

Oxford. 
Every time someone mentions the name I stop. I can be fifty feet away from the persons speaking of this city, and I still stop and try to insert myself into the conversation. This obsession has concerned me at times, because I can't tell why I'm obsessed with one location. 





I have a wanderlust problem. I don't sit still well, and I don't stay in one place well. So normally I'm just thinking of anywhere but where I'm at (I apparently also have a problem with contentedness), but when it comes to this year and last, I was almost always perfectly content to be in Oxford (roommate issues aside), and this year, I consistently want to be there. Not just anywhere else. There, a specific location.
That's never happened before. 

I left for an international trip the first time when I was six. Canada. Again when I was nine. England and Scotland (my first taste of Oxford). Again when I was eighteen. (Italy, France, England (Cambridge this time). Again at twenty-two. (My year abroad). So I've got this wanderlust thing figured out.

wanderlust - (wan-der-lust) 
ˈwändərˌləst
noun
A strong desire to travel, e.g.: consumed by wanderlust.


Like I said, I'm a pro. 









What I can't decide is, do I miss the place?

Do I miss the friends? 


Do I miss the activities, the fun, the history, the libraries, the independence? 





Or is it more than that? Was being there a time when I felt so intrinsically myself that I'm having trouble recreating that personage? I know I was freer there, but was that because I was content with my place and my person, because I wasn't worried about the future, it would take care of itself, because I felt safe? 


Or have I (gasp, heaven forbid), idealized this year, this place, this time, to the point where it looks much better in my head than it really was? Have I taken what I learned and accomplished during a year, and said, "Well, if I managed this there, think what I could do if I went back!" Is this the reason I'm discontent? 

Or do I just have a lot of questions that don't really have an answer. I'm leaning toward this one right now. Yes, I idealize my year, but I'm not entirely sure it doesn't at least partially deserve the idealism. Yes, there were bad things. Of course there were bad things. But I would take all of those bad things back: housemate issues, cultural barriers, even that infernal rain and my perpetually wet feet, just to be back in that place right now. 

I've never thought of myself as a sentimental person. But if we talk too long and too nostagically about Oxford, I get teary sometimes. Right after I was back, during the fall mostly, when someone would mention a particular aspect of Oxford, I would feel this physical pining within me. 


Emotions are powerful things. Don't doubt them please. If I have an emotional connection to this place, I'd be wrong to tell myself I shouldn't have that connection and to "just move on with my life" as some tell me I should.

All I know is this:

Oxford: I'm coming back. Don't worry, I'm not gone for long. 

Let's switch subjects

After such a long and rather depressing post on Sachsenhausen, I thought perhaps we should change it up a little. Okay, maybe a lot in actuality.

Here's ten things that are on the ground right now for me:

1. Americorps finally contacted me. Now granted, it was about a new program I had applied for, but it's still super exciting to be going through a formal application process. This particular program requested more material from me, a sample of my writing style, two more references, a resume with cover letter, etc. I'm really excited, and already have my new references lined up, so life is looking good for the next few days. Maybe I'll have plans within a couple of months!

2. My internship is going awesome. It's lot of data, and number crunching right now, but I'm just loving the logistics of everything. I also love the fact that what I'm doing could have a lasting effect on the way things work at William Jewell. That may be the most exciting thing for me.

3. My piano recital is in T-six weeks! I'm faltering a little on some of the line up in repertoire, we're just the slightest bit short right now, but I may have figured out a solution to this problem, so check back in. I'll be announcing the date formally in three weeks, but the unofficial date is March 10th, at 5:30 pm.

4. If the piano recital is six weeks away, this means I only have 13 more weeks in which to write, assign, and rehearse everything for my composition recital. On that front, things are coming together slowly, but surely. My quartet has been assembled (yay, thanks Peter for agreeing to be my tenor!) and I have high hopes for the choir to come together soon. I have a reading for my strings piece two (three?) weeks from now, and we're *this* close to being ready to turn things in! I think my next composition lesson should take place over coffee. I plan to suggest this to him. No more stuffy classroom. :)

5. At the end of the second week of classes, I've switched my art history to pass/fail, which has lightened my homework load. The professor for this class tends to uncommunicative on my research topic choices, but that's okay, there's not as much pressure.

6. Speaking of that homework load, I think I've settled into the rhythm. Most of my classes have a fair amount of homework, which is slightly worrisome for my sanity, but if I just don't fall behind, ever, at all, with no exceptions, then I should be fine. Uh-oh, I think I'm already behind....

I think that's all for now, but it's enough. I'm still muddling through. Check back soon for final plans on the recitals and further travel updates!

Americorps Essay

Part of my application to Americorps requires an essay, or "personal statement". Most of the time I hate that  sort of a thing, but after mulling it over and talking it through with several "academic" types of people, I think I'm ready to write the statement. 


"We would like to understand more about you and your reasons for applying to AmeriCorps. Take a few minutes and consider those experiences that have made you the person you are today. Please share with us one of these experiences and how it sparked your interest in community service."

Right before my nineteenth birthday I chose to take what is referred to as a gap year and put off pursuing a university degree for this period of time. I was working as a nanny at the time and the mother of the family was pleased enough at the prospect of having me work for her for another year, that she was willing to give me time off throughout the year so I would have the ability to travel. The first trip I took was the biggest, I went to Italy and France for two months to couch surf at my sisters and at my brothers. While I was traveling through Southern Italy, my eyes were opened in a whole new way to the poverty of the world. I had grown up in a comfortable middle-class family and I had not  seen face to face the needs that are out in bigger world. I had always been involved in community service, with my parents, from a very young age, but for the first time I was confronted with true absolute poverty, people begging to have one more piece of bread. I felt my heart break inside of me. I would continue to labor under the misconception that this was simply a European problem until I came home and began traveling in my own country. For the first time I saw all around me people who were in a far worse place than myself, and I was astonished. When I did pursue a university degree I found myself wishing there was a way to be purposeful and organized in service work, and I ended up pursuing, and founding, a university-based Rotaract International chapter. That organization is the true pride of my undergraduate career, not my grades, honors, performances. What the organization now does is reach into the international community, where my eyes were first opened, raising funds, and serving as much as possible in the local community. 

Why must I conform?

I told a group of people last night that I wanted to travel the world and get too many degrees. It may not be the most practical plan, but I was entirely serious. They took me seriously all for a moment, and then most laughed and said variations of this sentence: "well only until that special someone comes along, then it's all marriage and babies".

Hm, why is that always the answer in a girls life? If I want to have the aspirations to not get married and have babies, why is that considered odd, and something to be laughed at?

Now I'm sure the people who made these remarks did not mean them in a mean-spirited way, but I was slightly confounded for a moment. I'm not saying I'm trying to close my life off from what God has in store for me (please don't misinterpret it to mean that!) I'm merely saying, at this point in my life, I think God wants me to travel and study. I don't think I should be viewing my life plans through the filter of "eventually" getting married and having lots of babies. Right now I'm not looking for that special someone, I'm looking for what God's plan for me is, and right now, I think that plan has nothing to do with a special someone. Or babies. Because one assumes one requires the other.

What if: there is no special someone? Then I make all of my life plans based on the idea of eventually settling down only to be bitter and disappointed at a later date? What if: there is a special someone, but there's no babies? What if we spend the rest of our lives together traveling and working and having adventures? Why is there this idea of one path? We all think that way, the American Dream a mythical ideal is alive and well it would appear.

In this year of 2011

In this year of 2011, I promise...
I pledge...
I resolve...

What is a resolution? According to dictionary.com it is "a firm decision to do or not to do something".  However, I don't find that terribly helpful. The history of making resolutions dates to Rome, around 150 B.C., there's a great ezine article on that here. And while that's fascinating, why do people currently make resolutions? And why make them for the new year?
Well, I don't have everyone's answers, but I do have my own. And here's why I make resolutions at this time of year, and why I think it's necessary.

If in this life we are supposed to be striving to be like Christ, and to be more perfect every day (assuming of course you are a Christian), then the need to make firm decisions (as defined above) will be necessary. The decision that something should not fit into your lifestyle, or something should fit into your lifestyle will almost always be necessary. The idea of making new resolutions with the beginning of a new year is a symbolic one at the least, it gives you a roundness in your mind to have a clean slate.

Two years ago, I resolved to take charge of my health. Last year I resolved to be pushed around by people in my life, whether they were strangers or close to me, a lot less. I think I've succeeded on both counts, and now at this point, where I hover ready to graduate, ready to be my own adult person, but terrified of the prospect at the same, I have no clue what that one big thing should be. Well, I thought I had no clue what the one big thing to change should be.

It has two parts, first, I resolve to get out more. That's vague, but I mean I resolve to push myself past my comfort zone more, to connect with people more, to not care so much about being perfect, but care more about the relationships in my life. The second part, I want to listen more. If you have something to tell me, I want to make sure I'm 100% focused on what you're saying. I want to think less and engage more.

I've been reading a lot of things recently about simple living, intentional living, etc. It's all really speaking to me right now. I feel the need to cut back, to declutter, to pare down, both emotionally and physically. So I can rephrase my resolution. I want to live more intentionally. So that's my only resolution.
I want to find MY untrodden viewpoint, to engage, to love more.
I recently told a person if someone could say during my eulogy "She was well-traveled, well-read, and loved God and her fellow person" I would be perfectly content with my earthly life.

Thanksgiving 2010

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Not that my family celebrates a lot of holidays, but it's still my favorite by far. I think I appreciate the spirit of the holiday, the family time together, the way everyone sort of unwinds and is just happy to have the day with each other. We don't do other projects during the holiday, we just try to spend as much time together on that day together, doing things everyone wants to do, working to make each other happy.

This Thanksgiving was especially dear to me because I was away from the family core last year (ie my parents), and I'm fairly certain I will be away again this next year. Last year was a fabulous alternative, since I got to have a different family thanksgiving with my brother's family and my sister. But Thanksgiving is not only MY favorite holiday, it's also my Mom's favorite holiday. And the ability to spend it with her, is a blessing. Next year I hope to be in Maine, and I have no idea if there is enough of a break for me to afford the flight home for the holiday. I will be entirely on my own next year, and though I am  sure I will find friends, church family, etc, it will still not be the same without my mother. And the rest of the family too.

It's not that we do anything special. Much of the late morning was spent in Wii bowling tournaments (I mean, that's still rather novel to my family, video gaming systems and all), after that we did a lot of cooking. This was the first time in three years I got to A. help cook, and B. could eat everything. My mother worked hard to make it an entirely gluten-free meal, and that was really meaningful to me, since it was the first time in three years I had had a full Thanksgiving meal. None of the food is anything incredibly gourmet, lots of traditional favorites; turkey, dressing, my mom's potatoes, you get the idea: not a lot of adventurousness. But that is what makes it so special. We don't make a dressing except once a year, and it's an incredible recipe, so we savour it when we have it. I don't mean the food isn't incredibly tasty by saying it's not gourmet or adventurous, I just mean, we're fairly run of the mill on the menu choices.

Much of our afternoon and evening after we ate our early dinner feast was spent again playing Wii (need to work off those calories) and then wonderful board games, wrapped up by movie watching (Clue!). It's not the activities, the games, or the movie choices that make it special though, it's one full day of everyone checking their stress at the kitchen door, enjoying great foods together, working together (we figured out that every single dish in the kitchen was a collaboration of some sort), and just being silly. More threats to spew drinks because of raucous laughter happen on this day than on any other day of the year. Me? I like watching them,  I enjoy the sense of love that hangs in the air. Sometimes the idea that stress isn't necessary for a few short days while we play, laugh and enjoy each other even lasts as long as the leftovers. Sometimes it doesn't last as long as the leftovers, but we're a real family, with all the failures and mistakes that go along with it. Maybe that sounds cheesy, but I really don't mean it that way.

This year, above all else, I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful to be home, to have a home, to have emotional shelter from the rest of the big, bad, ugly world, to know I always have a place, emotional if not physical, to return to. I'm so incredibly blessed I'm ready to tear up right now, and I'm not a crier.
God said he would never leave us alone, and yes, I know that He meant He was sending the Holy Spirit, but I think God works through means, and I see family as one of his incredible means of communicating His love for us.

Remembering...

I have a really bad habit of getting caught up in everyday life. Letting the little things get to me. The little frustrations. Okay, in the moment, they're big frustrations. A friend reminded me of this verse the other day:
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation,and uphold me with a willing spirit."Psalm 51:12 ESV

Who am I to forget that the center of my world should rightly be God? His salvation is the only thing that truly matters.

"Jehovah liveth; and blessed be my rock; And exalted be the God of my salvation"
Psalm 18:46, ASV

I've really been struggling though this last two months. The recital, work, homework, class schedule, emotional turmoil, all of it has really been waying me down. And now I have this solo artist competition on Saturday. I have really been losing sight of my true focus in life. And the piano work wasn't going so smoothly. In late September I was given a 19 page Bach concerto to memorize for the competition. Up until last night, I was still unsure whether or not I would have everything ready and secure.
Then last night in the middle of practice, I remembered...

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
- Phillipians 4:13 NKJV

God is my strength. My strength is not my own.
And right there I prayed. I spent 15 minutes just sitting in my practice room praying quietly.
And the music?
Beautiful. I saw that concerto in a new light last night. Up until last night it was the technically difficult, slightly flashy little piece that fit my personality that was good for the competition.
But last night I saw God in my music. I saw the long way my memorization skills have come in the last two months, how my patience (against my will) has developed, and I experienced a joy that few understand. The joy that comes from a truly beautiful piece of music, and the ability to share it with yourself, and to share yourself through your music with God. I thank God so deeply, for the gift he's given to me, and for giving me a gift that is so easily shared with others. I don't know where my gifts will take me in life, I don't know how much longer my hands will work, but I hope that while they do still work, I remember to thank God for them every day.

No matter the outcome of my competition on Saturday, whether I win the spot with LSO or not, I feel I've won. I've had a great challenge, and have met it, not through my own strength, but by learning to depend more fully on God. It seems it's a lesson God has to teach me over and over again. I can only hope someday it gets through my thick head.

"I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy"
-The Valley Song, Jars of Clay

CSA 2010

As promised, the weekend was really a great time to be a celiac. I live tweeted the whole conference (my handle is traveling_girl) met lots of new friends, and even got to meet one of my favorite twitter friends: GlutenFreeDee. She and I have been communicating for quite some time through twitter, I found her while I was in England, and she kept me up to date on happenings on the Gluten-free front in America, and I shared all of the joys and pains of traveling gluten-free in a foreign country with her.
Folks, she's even cooler in person. As awesome as she is on twitter, facebook, and her blog, she's even more amazing when you get to stand there face to face and chat with her.

I also met this amazing dietitian and nutitionist, Bruce Homstead. He lives in Massachusetts, but is originally from Maine. Considering the Americorps option I want, I picked his brain for a bit, and then we talked longer and he helped me figure out some great strategies for dealing with being hypoglycemic.

I'm so full of joy right now. Inexplainable joy. These people (every single one that I can't sit here and list because this post would be too long) that cared, honestly cared, made me feel normal. All these "normal" people running around eating gluten-free food.
Oh, and the food.
The food was simply incredible. Salads, entrees, dinner bread, foccacia, biscuits, shortbread, strawberry shortcake, BBQ ribs, amazing side dishes (not JUST RICE!) and that's not even counting the samples from the vendor fair. I came home with a bag full of samples, giveaways, and two gifts from my two favorite companies, Glutino and Pamela's. I got to talk to both table for a bit, and told them how they saved my life, figuratively speaking. They made me love food and look forward to cookies and baked goods again, and I really wanted the companies to understand the service they perform. They made me a person, normal again. They didn't just provide a product, they provided morale and happiness. They both shoved a lot of free stuff in my hands because of it. In retrospect, I have to say, well played.

I also won a contest. I never win anything, so I was beyond shocked when they called my name at Saturday's lunch that I had won a drawing. I got a free bag of flour and a cute little tote bag that says "Celiac Sprue Association" on it with the logo. Sweet.

I am overwhelmed with medical and dietitian and nutritionist info. I was also one of two 20 somethings there, so I got my brain picked a lot (the other 20 something was staff). A lot, a lot. Everyone from Dee, to the nutritionist for the University of Kansas to the staff nutritionist for CSA wanted my opinion on how to reach the 20 something crowd. I gave out my contact info more times than I can count, invited phone calls, emails, etc.

I'm just fired up. I'm proud to be a Celiac now. It's not something I need to slink away from, it's who I am, I should just own it and go on with my life. That's right. I'm the cool one. :)

CSA 2010!

It's here, it's here, it's here!!! The event I've done nothing but talk about for a month, have scraped my meager savings together to attend, have annoyed everyone at WJC by talking about, yes, THAT event is here!
What event you ask?
Why... CSA 2010! It's the 33rd Annual Conference, and it's right here in my own backyard (figuratively speaking of course), downtown Kansas City, Missouri.
It's a great weekend to be a Celiac.
I hope I sleep tonight, I'm buzzing with little kid excitement.
I promise to come back and report on the fabulousness that has to be this weekend. I hope you want to read about it!

A couple of thoughts though (prayer points if you're so inclined):

 - I don't do well in crowd situations, especially when I don't know a soul going in. So pray that I can be at ease with my public persona, and NOT scare anyone off by being standoffish, as I am wont to do.
 - It's been an exhausting week, and this weekend is going to set me behind on homework. Worth it, but it will be a tough week next week because of my attendance this weekend.

Scarlatti

It's Scarlatti's birthday today. He would have been 325 years old. That... is a lot of years.
Scarlatti gets mentioned in today's post because, well, I love piano music. Scarlatti wrote almost all piano music. See the connection? Plus, I love Baroque music, and Scarlatti spent the majority of his life composing at the beginning of the 18th century, quintessential Baroque period.

Giuseppe Domenico Scarlatti, the son of composer Alessandro Scarlatti, was born in Naples in 1685, the same year that both JS Bach and GF Handel were born. He however, unlike his contemporaries, is not generally referred to as GD Scarlatti, but rather Domenico Scarlatti. Who knows how we make these music history traditions. He is considered a Baroque composer, but his music was highly influential in helping develop what we think of as the Classical style. Much of his keyboard music is Italian and Spanish in influence, and includes singing melodies, overdramatic (or operatic) influences and embellishments. During his own lifetime he was known as one of the premier virtuosos at the keyboard. There's a tale of a contest between Scarlatti and GF Handel, and upon the harpsichord, Scarlatti won out, but on the organ, Handel was judged to be superior. Scarlatti was known to cross himself in veneration of Handel's skill when it came up in conversation.
He was primarily a keyboard composer but he also wrote a number of operas for the Queen of Spain. However, in order to find an untrodden viewpoint, or to expand your horizons, I'm going to recommend that in honor of Scarlatti's birthday today, you look up a few of these sonatas for piano, since he wrote more than 550 solo piano sonatas during his lifespan. Prolific much?

Here are my top five favorite piano sonatas:

1. Sonata in E Major, K. 380, L. 23
2. Sonata in C Major, K. 502 *** (absolute favorite!)
3. Sonata in B minor, K. 87
4. Sonata in G Major, K. 427
5. Sonata in D minor, K. 214

Organization?

Question marked because I generally think of myself as decently organized. I have the planner, the software, and a brain that categorizes and compartmentalizes fairly well. But in the last couple of weeks my normal routines just aren't cutting it for my life.  I'm trying to turn this idea of "new paths" and "untrodden viewpoints" into my new needs for organization. Senior year is turning out to be a more spread out busy, with lots of long term projects. After googling everything from "organization tools for adults" to "checklist ideas" to "task management" I finally ran across a blog called "simple mom". Alright laugh, go ahead. But her ideas are pretty awesome, even for a twenty-something single girl. I think I may try some of her ideas in the weeks ahead, but I'm still open to suggestions. Let me know if you have a system you use that works particularly well for you.

Brand New Thoughts

I've been reflecting recently on where life is sending me next year. Americorps, Oxford, graduate school and programs galor, I have no idea how to get where I want to go in the next few years. I've discovered some fresh thoughts, perspectives, outlooks may be in need. These are the musings of a girl deciding to hunt for the new perspective, the untrodden viewpoint. Join me while I keep things fresh, and try to figure out what life after Jewell looks like, or what it doesn't look like.