A True Friend

I assumed my first post after graduation would be dedicated to the feelings of being a graduate, etc. Well, actually, small news flash: it's not that different. But today, my thoughts are somewhere else, and I'd like to ruminate on them.

One of my dearest friends in the world went home to be with God last night. She was in a tremendous amount of pain, and I'm so happy to see her suffering at an end, but I also know that I'm going to miss her like nothing else in this world. I went to see her the other night and while she laid there and struggled to breathe, I struggled to entertain her, my idea being to reminisce with her about all the cool things we had experienced together. What I found was that my hour of babbling about what the two of us had done and where we had been became far more about comforting me, and far less about entertaining her. Jenny was an extremely faithful friend, and highly influential in my life, she opened my eyes to certain things, and taught me a love for other things. So here are a few of the things she influenced the most in my life.

•  Jenny loved to be active. She didn't know how to sit still, literally. She would tap her foot or jiggle her leg because she just couldn't handle sitting still, she had too much energy coursing through her at all times. I know both of my parents are overachievers and I take after them, but some of that surging energy I learned from Jenny. 
• She loved art, almost all forms. She and I used to field trip almost monthly to the Nelson-Atkins museum here in KC all through my teen years. We would wander to our favorite rooms, and try to fit in at least one new room each time. We especially loved the English painting from the 17th/18th centuries and the Chinese art rooms, including the temple that came from a hillside in northern China. She did hate all forms of modern art with a passion though.
• That woman could drink eight pots of coffee in a row. She made me look mild on my caffeine addiction, right up to this last year, she could still tolerate more coffee in a day than I can in a week. It was rather impressive in an odd way.
• A great tradition she and I had was to go explore something (Nelson Atkins, Independence Square, etc) and then go eat lunch. We favored the Red Dragon but we also tried several fun sandwich shops and loved getting ice cream in the summer. Our other favorite treat was to get chocolate cherry cokes (say that three times fast) at Sonic during the summer and then to go to a park. 
• Jenny grew up in Liberty, and was a fascinating source of information for all things historical in Clay County and KC in general. Her family was here for more than one or two generations and she had memorized a large portion of interesting material, not the boring dry information you read on plaques, but she would tell engrossing stories about her high school years, and about spending her childhood with her uncle, an artist who knew and worked with Thomas Hart Benton. 
• One thing I have definitely picked up as a learned habit is a dislike for phone conversations. All conversations for the phone should come with outlines to keep them short. I'm not sure we ever spent more than 30-60 seconds on the phone with each other, and those went something like this:
• Jenny: "Let's go to the museum on Friday"
• Karen: "Okay, I'm free until 2:00, so maybe we should grab lunch afterwards?"
• Jenny: "Great, pick you up at 8:30"
• *click*
• Jenny could kick anyone's rear end, thoroughly, completely, entirely. She, my brother, and myself studied T'ai Chi together for a couple of summers when I was still fairly young. My brother, being his normal self liked to smart off a lot about how he was sure he could take her. He generally ended up flat on his back a little stunned after uttering these things. That was especially hilarious for me, because that never happened to Matt in my experience.

• Jenny loved her church, and God dearly. We prayed over every meal we ate together and talked about books and music and Christianity and the church all the time. She also taught me that it's okay to question, it's okay to be unsure, and it's okay to not know 100% what you believe, and most importantly that it's okay to wait on God to give you answers in His time. 

It's all downhill from here ...

So now here we are, finished with classes as an undergraduate. Ready for the last flurry of rehearsals, recitals, and exams. I've finished 3/6 of my senior projects, two of those being biger than the rest of them put together.
I've carried off a 35 minute piano recital, and a 45 minute composition recital, things people told me I could never do. I thought I would feel accomplished when I finished, but all I really feel is drained.

What's next? I'm not really sure. I'm hoping to find a job (aren't we all?) and to do some great volunteer work, as well as train to run three 5K's before Christmas this year. I hope to be more involved with my church, spend quality time with my family, and to not lose contact with great friends.

This point of life sort of feels like a precipice, I'm standing on it, and graduation is the pushing off part.

Everyone's so ready to memorialize "my last day of classes", "my last rehearsal", "my last performance". I'm not so ready because as burned out as I feel, I'm not so ready to get rid of the last four years of memories.

Stay tuned, job hunt coming soon.

Why Pop Sociology/Feminism is wrong about Beauty and the Beast

I love to read Sociology and Feminist blogs. They challenge me to think in ways I haven't before, they make me quite thoughtful, and on some days, they help round out my liberal arts educated point of view on a subject. No, I don't always agree with what they have to say, but I do at least take the view into consideration.

I also love to read blogs about trying to take our younger girls' minds back from Disney. Stealing back the younger generation as it were. While Disney has fun songs, it can be a little obsessive, especially as the Disney corporation has chosen to market certain gender socializing toys, books, and games, that can socialize girls to be passive instead of active.

But... I have a problem. A serious problem for my little psyche. Most of these blogs villainize Beauty and the Beast, one of my two favorite movies, and my absolute favorite Broadway show ever. Most of these blogs have at least one post about how the only thing girls will ever garner from this show is that abusive spouses should be put up with and will change over time. Obviously, this is a dangerous idea, if this is indeed what girls could garner from Beauty and the Beast. But this idea has been turning in my mind and bothering me for some time now.

I've always seen Beauty and the Beast as a story of redemption. He has problems, she has problems, people are flawed in general, I've never met a Cinderella personally. Belle is so real, she loses her temper, she's feisty, she's in your face. I don't think I ever came away with the idea that I should stay with an abusive partner, but that I should challenge the status quo.

It's not like Belle loves him unconditionally or blames herself for the Beast's bad temper. Nope, she's happy to stick it to him, to fight with him, to get angry back, to fight back for herself. And yes, the Beast is redeemed through the course of the show, but from my Christian perspective, that's the changing power of love. He could have left Belle to the wolves, but instead rescued her. He was changing long before she decided to stay with him. Maybe it's the proof of that change that made her stay?

In the end, it's not HER love that changes him, it's the MUTUAL love that changes BOTH of them. Because we are all flawed, and we all need redemption. Those are the lessons I've always taken away from this show. I hope I challenged you to see this show in a different way. Because the ruminating has been good for me.

In this year of 2011

In this year of 2011, I promise...
I pledge...
I resolve...

What is a resolution? According to dictionary.com it is "a firm decision to do or not to do something".  However, I don't find that terribly helpful. The history of making resolutions dates to Rome, around 150 B.C., there's a great ezine article on that here. And while that's fascinating, why do people currently make resolutions? And why make them for the new year?
Well, I don't have everyone's answers, but I do have my own. And here's why I make resolutions at this time of year, and why I think it's necessary.

If in this life we are supposed to be striving to be like Christ, and to be more perfect every day (assuming of course you are a Christian), then the need to make firm decisions (as defined above) will be necessary. The decision that something should not fit into your lifestyle, or something should fit into your lifestyle will almost always be necessary. The idea of making new resolutions with the beginning of a new year is a symbolic one at the least, it gives you a roundness in your mind to have a clean slate.

Two years ago, I resolved to take charge of my health. Last year I resolved to be pushed around by people in my life, whether they were strangers or close to me, a lot less. I think I've succeeded on both counts, and now at this point, where I hover ready to graduate, ready to be my own adult person, but terrified of the prospect at the same, I have no clue what that one big thing should be. Well, I thought I had no clue what the one big thing to change should be.

It has two parts, first, I resolve to get out more. That's vague, but I mean I resolve to push myself past my comfort zone more, to connect with people more, to not care so much about being perfect, but care more about the relationships in my life. The second part, I want to listen more. If you have something to tell me, I want to make sure I'm 100% focused on what you're saying. I want to think less and engage more.

I've been reading a lot of things recently about simple living, intentional living, etc. It's all really speaking to me right now. I feel the need to cut back, to declutter, to pare down, both emotionally and physically. So I can rephrase my resolution. I want to live more intentionally. So that's my only resolution.
I want to find MY untrodden viewpoint, to engage, to love more.
I recently told a person if someone could say during my eulogy "She was well-traveled, well-read, and loved God and her fellow person" I would be perfectly content with my earthly life.

A couple of really good friends

I'm really blessed with my friends. I've mentioned this before. But today, I want to share a couple of stories.

I have a friend who will dash to the cafeteria after her own class is over at 8:50 to pick me up a box breakfast since I'm at work and won't make it to breakfast. She's pretty cool. She also takes me out when I need a drink, makes me monitor my blood sugar, supports me wholeheartedly, and loves goofiness and disney movies as much as I do. I'm very grateful for this.

I'm also blessed with a friend who, yes, enjoys the goofiness, watches Bones with me, brings me lemonade and strawberries because I can't go to the holiday party myself because of the airborne nut allergens floating through the room, makes me have dates to cry in her lap because life is overwhelming and occasionally pushes me to try new things. 

God is faithful

What a week. My patience has certainly been tried this week. But I have a few things that have helped me get through the long days (and nights!), things I've remembered and repeated over and over as I was studying and being busy. Sometimes for me, I have to remember that I am human, and while I may try as hard as I can, at the end of the day, I am not the one I depend on. God is more faithful than I could hope to be, God will never leave me. 


Joshua 1:5 NIV
No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.


I Corinthians 1:9
God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.


I Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

Trials

Well, that may be over dramatic, it may not be. I'm a little sleep-deprived, as the time stamp should indicate here.

"Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind,"
James 1:2

I'm reminded of this verse tonight during my observations of so many things. The last two weeks of classes at Jewell are famous for being rough, no one enjoys them. But it's much harder to enjoy them during the fall. Most of us are busy with planning for the Christmas festivalS, the multiple that will take place over the next two weeks. I think most of us would rather just curl up and go to sleep instead, but that's a little hard right now due to the papers, presentations, exams and concerts that must happen.

Consider it pure joy. I'll be working on that attitude.

Thanksgiving 2010

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Not that my family celebrates a lot of holidays, but it's still my favorite by far. I think I appreciate the spirit of the holiday, the family time together, the way everyone sort of unwinds and is just happy to have the day with each other. We don't do other projects during the holiday, we just try to spend as much time together on that day together, doing things everyone wants to do, working to make each other happy.

This Thanksgiving was especially dear to me because I was away from the family core last year (ie my parents), and I'm fairly certain I will be away again this next year. Last year was a fabulous alternative, since I got to have a different family thanksgiving with my brother's family and my sister. But Thanksgiving is not only MY favorite holiday, it's also my Mom's favorite holiday. And the ability to spend it with her, is a blessing. Next year I hope to be in Maine, and I have no idea if there is enough of a break for me to afford the flight home for the holiday. I will be entirely on my own next year, and though I am  sure I will find friends, church family, etc, it will still not be the same without my mother. And the rest of the family too.

It's not that we do anything special. Much of the late morning was spent in Wii bowling tournaments (I mean, that's still rather novel to my family, video gaming systems and all), after that we did a lot of cooking. This was the first time in three years I got to A. help cook, and B. could eat everything. My mother worked hard to make it an entirely gluten-free meal, and that was really meaningful to me, since it was the first time in three years I had had a full Thanksgiving meal. None of the food is anything incredibly gourmet, lots of traditional favorites; turkey, dressing, my mom's potatoes, you get the idea: not a lot of adventurousness. But that is what makes it so special. We don't make a dressing except once a year, and it's an incredible recipe, so we savour it when we have it. I don't mean the food isn't incredibly tasty by saying it's not gourmet or adventurous, I just mean, we're fairly run of the mill on the menu choices.

Much of our afternoon and evening after we ate our early dinner feast was spent again playing Wii (need to work off those calories) and then wonderful board games, wrapped up by movie watching (Clue!). It's not the activities, the games, or the movie choices that make it special though, it's one full day of everyone checking their stress at the kitchen door, enjoying great foods together, working together (we figured out that every single dish in the kitchen was a collaboration of some sort), and just being silly. More threats to spew drinks because of raucous laughter happen on this day than on any other day of the year. Me? I like watching them,  I enjoy the sense of love that hangs in the air. Sometimes the idea that stress isn't necessary for a few short days while we play, laugh and enjoy each other even lasts as long as the leftovers. Sometimes it doesn't last as long as the leftovers, but we're a real family, with all the failures and mistakes that go along with it. Maybe that sounds cheesy, but I really don't mean it that way.

This year, above all else, I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful to be home, to have a home, to have emotional shelter from the rest of the big, bad, ugly world, to know I always have a place, emotional if not physical, to return to. I'm so incredibly blessed I'm ready to tear up right now, and I'm not a crier.
God said he would never leave us alone, and yes, I know that He meant He was sending the Holy Spirit, but I think God works through means, and I see family as one of his incredible means of communicating His love for us.

Remembering...

I have a really bad habit of getting caught up in everyday life. Letting the little things get to me. The little frustrations. Okay, in the moment, they're big frustrations. A friend reminded me of this verse the other day:
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation,and uphold me with a willing spirit."Psalm 51:12 ESV

Who am I to forget that the center of my world should rightly be God? His salvation is the only thing that truly matters.

"Jehovah liveth; and blessed be my rock; And exalted be the God of my salvation"
Psalm 18:46, ASV

I've really been struggling though this last two months. The recital, work, homework, class schedule, emotional turmoil, all of it has really been waying me down. And now I have this solo artist competition on Saturday. I have really been losing sight of my true focus in life. And the piano work wasn't going so smoothly. In late September I was given a 19 page Bach concerto to memorize for the competition. Up until last night, I was still unsure whether or not I would have everything ready and secure.
Then last night in the middle of practice, I remembered...

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
- Phillipians 4:13 NKJV

God is my strength. My strength is not my own.
And right there I prayed. I spent 15 minutes just sitting in my practice room praying quietly.
And the music?
Beautiful. I saw that concerto in a new light last night. Up until last night it was the technically difficult, slightly flashy little piece that fit my personality that was good for the competition.
But last night I saw God in my music. I saw the long way my memorization skills have come in the last two months, how my patience (against my will) has developed, and I experienced a joy that few understand. The joy that comes from a truly beautiful piece of music, and the ability to share it with yourself, and to share yourself through your music with God. I thank God so deeply, for the gift he's given to me, and for giving me a gift that is so easily shared with others. I don't know where my gifts will take me in life, I don't know how much longer my hands will work, but I hope that while they do still work, I remember to thank God for them every day.

No matter the outcome of my competition on Saturday, whether I win the spot with LSO or not, I feel I've won. I've had a great challenge, and have met it, not through my own strength, but by learning to depend more fully on God. It seems it's a lesson God has to teach me over and over again. I can only hope someday it gets through my thick head.

"I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy"
-The Valley Song, Jars of Clay