Yes, it's true, I'm back. Think of the past three months as my summer break from blogging, one that was much needed, because if I had tried to blog before this, the anger/sadness/bitterness that I was experiencing would have bubbled up, out, and over, and no one would have gotten anything out of it. This isn't to say that I'm finished with those feelings. I still battle anger/sadness/bitterness, and probably will for awhile. But for now, God and I are walking a little closer together, and I'm giving myself space in Him to work through those emotions.
I had even started a cooking blog, to help process some of the work-a-holic-ness that came from Mom having cancer and my wanting to take care of her. I found even writing down recipes and sharing dietary tips for the chemo patient was WAY too hard. Between Mom's diagnosis and Jenny dying, mixed up with the post-graduation blues, basic tasks became harder, and I realized focusing on getting through my life day by day was much more important than anything else.
I think working through Jenny's death was probably the hardest thing I did this summer. I found no one could really truly relate to the pain and grief I felt, the absence of her presence in my life was bigger than anything my college friends had been through, and almost no one could comprehend how someone in her sixties could be so close to someone in her twenties. What eventually got through my brain was that only God could comfort me in the loss of what was the closest non-family member to me.
The problem I battled consistently for the first two full months (and then some) was waking up and thinking "I should call her, it's been awhile, I'm neglecting her" and then the wave of grief as it would hit me, almost brand new every time. Once I finally worked through that, and then the last vestiges of anger (although by this point the fight had sort of gone out of me) I was just sad. For me. It was a totally selfish feeling.
August 16th was three months since she died. I happen to not work on Tuesdays, so I just disappeared for the majority of the day. I sat in a coffee shop and drank a latte the way she and I used to do. I went and walked around the cemetery where she was buried and laughed at myself for being so sentimental. I sat near where she was buried and just "talked" to her. Despite how insane I'm sure I looked, I finally felt like I had said goodbye. I think what's bothered me is that I never really felt like I said goodbye. Oh, I was in the hospital with her every day right before she passed, but she was barely conscious of my being there, I couldn't talk to her, couldn't share what was on my heart. Funny enough, I walked out of the cemetery as it started raining and just felt less weighted down with my grief.
My birthday was hard, I didn't even want to celebrate it, but realized in the end she would have smacked me for that kind of behavior. Jenny always made such a big deal out of my birthday, she would always get me flowers and take me out for chinese food. While the chinese food thing is still hard (I'm too sad in most chinese restaurants, although I did finally start craving it the other day) a couple of friends took me out downtown, and bought me flowers. It made it a little easier to slip through the day without getting depressed.
I guess I'm still working on it, even two weeks after all that. I'll keep working on it for a long while I think. But I also know Jenny would be upset if I kept myself from living life (and writing on the blog, she did like following my blog) so I'm giving myself a fresh look for the blog, a fresh post to get all the nonsense out, and then we'll pick back up where we were. I've got some awesome gluten-free reviews to do, some great scriptures to talk about, and some awesome pieces of music to share. I suppose in my mind, living fully is probably the best memorial to her that I could ever pull together.
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